Sweeney Todd: A Demonic Parody of Fleet Street
by ToddLover13
Summary: Johanna's a pop star? The Judge and Beadle are married? Lucy is an Elvis Presley impersonator? Anthony's a cyber stalker? Toby wants to be a dentist? Pirelli switches between accents? God, what has this world come to? Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! And welcome to my parody! :D First Sweeney Todd parody. It gets a bit randomer (if that's a word) as it goes on.**

**Why must you make me admit that I don't own Sweeney Todd? D: I think it's pretty obvious. **

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><p>(Camera pans in on a grey ship floating on a very grey sea with even greyer fog surrounding it. You see a very feminine male on the boat. The man's name is Anthony)<p>

Anthony: I have sailed the world beheld it's wonders from the Dardanelles to the Mountains of Peru! But there's no place like London!

Sweeney: No there's no place like London!

Anthony: Holy crap! Where did you come from?

Sweeney (completely ignoring him): You are young, life has been kind to you. You will learn.

Anthony: Learn what?

Sweeney: How the hell am I supposed to know? It's your lesson!

(Anthony looks at him more closely)

Anthony: Don't I know you from somewhere?

Sweeney: LE GASP! I'm definitely not a barber from 15 years ago who has been sent to Australia on a false charge and is now coming back to exact his revenge on the person who has sent him there. Pft, ridiculous.

Anthony: No, no. Aren't you that Sparrow guy? Um… Jake Sparrow?

Sweeney: It's Jack. And no.

(They dock and London and get off the boat. Sweeney glares at everything.)

Anthony: Everything alright, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: Do I look like I'm alright?

Anthony: uh… no?

Sweeney: Well. I'm gonna tell you a story.

Anthony: A STORY? WHAT KIND OF STORY?

Sweeney: A story about a barber and his wife.

Anthony: SQUEE!

Sweeney: O_O

There was a barber and his wife

And she was smokin' hot

A gangster barber and his wife

He was her reason and her life

And she was super hot

And she had amazing curves

And he was…

Naïve

Anthony: Was she really pretty?

Sweeney: Yes. Now pay attention.

There was another man who saw

That she was smokin' hot

An evil pelican of the law

Who with a gesture of his claw

Removed the barber from his plate!

Then there was nothing but to wait!

And she would fall,

So soft

So sexy

So young

And oh so smokin' hot!

Anthony: So wait. The pelican removed the barber from his plate and then the barber waited for his wife to fall. What sense does this make?

Sweeney: I don't know why I even told you this story, but I got to go.

Anthony: Dude, we should keep in touch. Got a phone? iPhone? We could facetime each other! Facebook? Twitter? MSN? Oovoo? Skype? Meebo? Club Penguin? Myspace? Well, no one uses Myspace anymore so I guess you don't have one.

Sweeney: O_O (scoots away slowly down an alleyway)

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit,

And I don't know why I'm saying this,

Especially since I'm completely alone.

(The camera goes super fast through the streets of London and closes in on all of the prostitutes and bums lying in the streets. It stops in front of a grey and gloomy shop. Sweeney enters to find a woman with insane hair chopping up a… ew. What is that? A rat?)

Mrs. Lovett: LE GASP! IT'S JOHNNY DEPP!

Sweeney (panicking): What? No I'm not!

Mrs. Lovett: Don't you lie to me! I can see right through your very sexy white hair streak.

Sweeney (still panicked): Don't you have a song to sing or something?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, right.

Wait!

What's your rush?

What's your hurry?

You gave me such a,

FRIGHT!

I thought you was a ghost

Half a minute

Can't you sit!

Sit you down

SIT!

All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks

Did you come here for a pie sir?

(Sweeney shakes his head no violently)

Do forgive me if me heads a little vague

What is that?

But you'd think we have the plague

From the way the people

Keep avoiding

No you don't

Heaven knows I try sir!

(Tries what? Sweeney thinks. To not get sued too much from your food poisoned customers?)

But there's no one comes in even to inhale

(This surprises you because… Sweeney thinks.)

Right you are, sir would you like a drop of ale.

Mind you I can't hardly blame them

These are probably the worst pies in London!

Sweeney: Woah, woah, woah wait.

Mrs. Lovett: What?

Sweeney: This is how you advertise your pies?

Mrs. Lovett: What can I say? Hey, you wanna come into my parlor so I can tell you the tragic story about a really gangster barber that was super sexy.

Sweeney: Goody goody gumdrops!

(The both walk into the parlor and Mrs. Lovett starts to babble about the wallpaper.)

Sweeney (interrupting and no longer wanting to listen to her.): Hey, if you need money and stuff. There's a room over the shop.

Mrs. Lovett: Thank you Captain Obvious.

Sweeney: Well then why don't you rent it out?

Mrs. Lovett: People say it's haunted.

Sweeney: Not yet it isn't. MWAHAHAHAHA :D

Mrs. Lovett: O_O alright then. Anyway. Instead of singing the song that I wrote about what happened to the incredibly hot barber 15 years ago, I'll just tell you it. Long story short, Snape - I mean Judge Turpin sent the barber away to Australia so he could take his so-called "hot wife"

Sweeney: Hey, Lucy was amazing!

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever you say love. The Judge then made Wormtail - I mean Beadle Bamford, take Lucy to his house where the Judge raped her.

Sweeney: EWW GROSS! MY POOR LUCY!

Mrs. Lovett: So it is you! Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: Where is Lucy and my daughter?

Mrs. Lovett (being shifty): Lucy poisoned herself with arsenic and I tried to stop her and I definatly didn't buy it for her personally. LOVE ME!

Sweeney Todd: O_O I only love Lucy and my daughter Johanna.

Mrs. Lovett: WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME? Oh, just a BT dubs. He has your daughter.

Sweeney: He? Who's he? Use your proper nouns woman!

Mrs. Lovett: Judge Turpin.

Sweeney: That son of a bitch!

Mrs. Lovett: Now, Mr. T.

Sweeney: Yes?

Mrs. Lovett: This movie is rated R for Visual Blood. Not cursing.

Sweeney: Well *censor* you, you *censor*ing *censor*.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, that wasn't very nice.

Sweeney: I don't really give a *censor*

Mrs. Lovett: If you stop, I'll show you something pointy and shiny.

Sweeney: LE GASP! What is it? :D

Mrs. Lovett: :) follow me.

(They both go upstairs using the outdoor staircase even though there seems to be a staircase inside of the house. Once they go in Sweeney's old apartment, Mrs. Lovett quickly locks the door behind him with a sly smile on her face. Sweeney's eyes fill with fear.)

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading it!<strong>

**So, what will Mrs. Lovett do to Sweeney? R&R PLEASE! It'll make me happy :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's Chapter 2. Already. Wow that was kind of fast. Hope you guys like chapter two as much as chapter one! I was reading over chapter one when I realized I never introduced him as Sweeney Todd to Mrs. Lovett. So I did it now!**

**PLEASE FORGIVE ME! (Mrs. Lovett: CAPS! AGAIN! TURN IT OFF!)**

**If you read it, you'll most likely understand lol.**

**I don't own Sweeney Todd :(**

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><p>(Mrs. Lovett closes in on Sweeney with a demonic smile.)<p>

Mrs. Lovett: 15 years I've waited for you to come back Benjamin. 15 ye-

Sweeney: NO!

Mrs. Lovett: O_O What?

Sweeney: Not Barker. That man is dead.

Mrs. Lovett: ME POOR BENJI IS DEAD? D:

Sweeney: Don't call me that. It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd.

Mrs. Lovett: Sweeney Todd? Really? That's the best you could come up with?

Sweeney: What? When you say "Benjamin Barker: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" it doesn't have the same demonic, evil ring to it.

Mrs. Lovett: *face palm* Weren't you supposed to say that line a scene or two ago anyway?

Sweeney Todd (takes out script and runs his finger down the pages.): Oh, so your right. I was supposed to say it after you said "Well I can't say the years have been particularly kind to you Mr. Barker". WHICH YOU DIDN'T!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh! So this is my fault now is it? It's a parody dumb ass. THERE IS NO SCRIPT! IT'S PURE RANDOMNESS!

Sweeney: That hurt Mrs. Lovett. That really hurt.

Mrs. Lovett: I thought jail hardened you. Anyway, I have your shiny and pointy surprise.

Sweeney: SQUEE! Is it my pet dog, Sparky?

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: My designer JUICY bag?

Mrs. Lovett: No.

Sweeney: My mother-in-law.

Mrs. Lovett: Close. But no.

Sweeney: WELL THEN WHAT IS IT?

Mrs. Lovett: Calm down. Calm down. There is no need for Caps Lock. I'll get it.

(Mrs. Lovett walks over to the floorboard that has a big red X on it. She takes it out of the floor and takes out a dusty bag. She blows on it and hands Sweeney the box inside.)

Sweeney: MEH AMIGOS!

Mrs. Lovett: O_O Your… amigos?

Sweeney: YES! MEH AMIGOS!

Mrs. Lovett: Since when do you speak Spanish?

Sweeney: Since I shared a cell with that Spanish guy from Russia.

Mrs. Lovett: A Spanish guy…

Sweeney: Yep.

Mrs. Lovett: From… Russia?

Sweeney: Yepperonis

Mrs. Lovett (looks at razors to make it less awkward): LE GASP? Those handles is silver ain't they?

Sweeney: Silver. Sure, why not?

Mrs. Lovett: Well then maybe I should've sold them, you know being silver and all. God, I'm stupid.

Sweeney (ignoring the comment):

These are my friends

See how they glisten

See this one shine

How he smiles

In the light

MY FRIEND!

MY FAITHFUL FRIEND!

Mrs. Lovett: HEY! What did I say about Caps Lock?

Sweeney: EXCUSE ME! I AM TRYING TO HAVE A MOMENT WITH MI AMIGOS!

Mrs. Lovett: Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sweeney:

Speak to me friends

Whisper…

(Mrs. Lovett rolls her eyes)

I'll listen.

I know

I know you've been locked out of sight

All these years!

LIKE ME MY FRIEND!

WELL I'VE COME HOME!

TO FIND YOU WAITING!

HOME!

AND WE'RE TOGETHER!

And we'll do wonders

Won't we?

(Mrs. Lovett walks over to Sweeney as he magically pulls out another razor. Mrs. Lovett jumps back in surprise of Sweeney's magic razor wielding power.)

Sweeney:

You there my friend.

Mrs. Lovett: I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd

Sweeney: Woah, wait. Who said you could sing along?

Mrs. Lovett: Well, I j-just as-assumed tha-

Sweeney: NO! I AM TRYING TO BOND WITH MI AMIGOS! (Turns back around to his razors and starts stroking them muttering.) Don't worry Eliza and Grace. The mean lady will hurt you no more.

Mrs. Lovett: O_O You named… your razors?

Sweeney: YES WOMAN! I WOULDN'T BE A PROPER FATHER IF I DIDN'T DO THAT NOW WOULD I?

Mrs. Lovett: Again, with the Caps.

Sweeney: IF I GAVE A DAMN I WOULD'VE STOPPED ALREADY! NOW LEAVE US! I MUST BASK IN MY HOLLOW GLORY!

Mrs. Lovett (with a big sigh): Whatever you say love. I'll be downstairs if you need anything.

(Mrs. Lovett unlocks the door and walks downstairs to the pie shop. Sweeney grabs his razor, Mitchell, and points it at the oversized window.)

Sweeney: AT LAST! MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!

Mrs. Lovett (from downstairs): CAPS! OFF! NOW!

Sweeney: SHUT THE *CENSOR* UP! NOW CAMERA! PAN!

Camera: Panning backwards. Panning. Panning. Panning. Panning. Panning. Panning. Panning. Panning.

Tim Burton: CUT! And that's a wrap.

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><p><strong>Hope you guys liked it! :) R&amp;R please! It will make Sweeney do that to-die-for crazy smirk. You know, the one he does when he's singing to his razors, Mitchell, Eliza, and Grace. :)<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! People seem to like the randomness that comes from my head and goes into this parody. Thanks to all who commented! :) Here's chapter three.**

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><p>(The camera pans in on the very feminine Anthony skipping down the streets of London holding a map that looks a lot like a young adult teen vampire novel. Anthony sits down on a bench overlooking a big house, LE GASPing every time it says that Edward takes off his shirt or they talk about sparkling vampires. Johanna watches all of this. She wears a sparkly shirt covered by a white jacket and skinny jeans. She has straightened her hair to look more like Miley Cyrus's other half.)<p>

Johanna (creating a fantasy): Ladies and Gentlemen! JOHANNA MONTANNA! (makes a crowd noise in between her hands. That's when she begins dancing and singing "Best of Both Worlds" at the top of her lungs.)

Anthony (from below): HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE HELP! THERE'S A DYING CAT SOMEWHERE! (After taking off Caps Lock, he felt a nagging at the back of his head, scolding him for using it in the first place. He looks up to see Johanna that is dancing like a diseased hippo.) That woman is most beautiful. (at the top of his lungs he says) HEY! LADY!

(suddenly the wails of a dying cat stop as Johanna turns out her window to look at Anthony. She bends over to open up her window and talk to the mysterious girl. Meanwhile the Judge is watching her from his peephole.)

Judge Turpin: That ass.

Johanna (to the mysterious girl): Wassup girl?

Anthony: Girl?

Johanna: Yah, you know. Your gender.

Anthony: I think you're mistaken for I am a man.

_A man?_ Johanna Montanna thinks. _God, he's ugly._

(Meanwhile down in the street Anthony does something that seems like a Justin Bieber hair flip.)

_He just suddenly got so attractive. _She thinks

Anthony: I suddenly got the urge to sing at the top of my lungs about this girl.

(Anthony grabs a random woman in the street. She is wearing a white sparkly jumpsuit with a popped collar and a gold belt around her waist. Her yellow hair had clearly been dyed black and styled into a big poof in the front.)

Anthony: ELVIS! (the woman turns towards him.) Oh. You're not Elvis. (the woman Elvis just stands there.) Anyway… Do you know the name of that woman so I can satisfy my singing needs and sing her name an inappropriate amount of times in the street?

Beggar Presley: That's Johanna, but she prefers to be called Johanna Montanna. She is obsessed with those old Disney Channel shows. One day she's Johanna Gomez and the next she's Raven Barker.

Anthony: I FEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL YYYOOOOUUU! JJOOOOOHHHHAAAANNNAAAA!

Johanna: O_O Does that not sound wrong and creepy to anyone else? BUT I FEEL YOU TOO FEMININE BOY!

(Judge sees all of this and goes downstairs to invite the boy in.

Judge Turpin: Come in lad, come in.

Anthony: STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!

Judge Turpin: O_O I have chocolate pudding.

Anthony: Well if you really want me to come into your house…

(The Judge cackles evilly as Anthony goes into his house. No one seems to notice. They both enter his parlor which is lined with pictures of Playboy Magazine issues. His bookshelves are filled with binders of Playboy Magazines too.)

Judge Turpin: Do you know why you're here, boy?

Anthony: Nope. Where's that chocolate pudding you promised?

Judge Turpin: Oh, right. (snaps at Beadle who was apparently at the door the entire time) Honey! Could you fetch this man some pudding?

Beadle: Sure (leaves to kitchen)

Judge Turpin: Anyway… You are here because you gandered at my ward Johanna.

Anthony: LE GASP! That's not very nice, mister. Calling your ward a goose.

Judge Turpin: *face palm* You were staring into her window like some kind of child-molester-slash-pervert.

Anthony: Uh.. Sir? I believe you've made a mistake. I can't be a child-molester-slash-pervert because one, we are about the same age so it's not child molesting, and two, I believe YOU are the child-molester-slash-pervert Mr. I-Stare-At-My-Ward-At-Every-Time-Of-Day-Through-A-Hole-In-Her-Wall-Even-Though-She-Is-A-Good-Sixty-Years-Younger-Than-Me.

Judge Turpin: O_O One, Touché, two, how did you know my real full name? And three, how did you know I even did that?

Anthony: I know people

(The Beadle comes back in the room and sets a bowl of pudding in front of Anthony)

Anthony: LE GASP!

Judge Turpin: What?

Anhtony: YOU LIED TO ME!

Judge Turpin: What are you talking about?

Anthony: THIS IS YOGURT! NONE THE LESS, LOW FAT FRENCH VANILLA YOGURT! THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS!

Judge Turpin: Ungrateful boy. I'm trying to watch your figure.

Anthony: Well I don't need your help taking care of my amazing feminine body!

Judge Turpin: Beadle! Beat him senseless in the alley way by our house with a retractable stick!

Beadle: Gladly (creepily smiles.)

Anthony: O_O Oh god.

(The Beadle picks Anthony up bridal style and throws him in the alley way about to beat him with his retractable stick when…)

Anthony: WAIT!

Beadle: … what?

Anthony: Might I say what a lovely retractable stick that is.

Beadle (blushing a little): Oh, why thank you. It was a wedding gift from my husband.

Anthony: O_O husband?

Beadle: Yes, my husband the honorable Judge Turpin

Anthony: Dude, this is Victorian London. Gayness is just like witchcraft.

Beadle: That's why we tell everyone that we were college buddies living together.

Anthony: And people buy that?

Beadle: Like you said, this is Victorian London. A barber could kill a man and send him down a two story chute to his landlady where she would bake him into a pie and no one would miss the victim.

Anthony: Touché

(Beadle starts to lash Anthony with his retractable stick until he bleeds.)

Beadle: Now, BE GONE! (throws his bag at him)

Anthony (getting up): I FFEEEEEELLLLL YYYYOOOOOUUUUU! JJJOOOOOHHHHAAANNAAAA!

Beadle (comes back out): Stop singing her name! OFF WITH YOU!

(Anthony sticks out his tongue at the Beadle and wobbles down the street. Again, the pedestrians don't notice the blood covered man as he struggles to walk down the road.)

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading Chapter Three! R&amp;R please! :D<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I'm not going to be able to upload all this week. Sleepaway camp. I should be able to start again next Sunday. Maybe I'll be able to upload another today if I get a lot of reviews and finish in time. Anyway, here is Chapter 4. I was running out of random ideas so this one might not be as random lol. So, enjoy! :)**

**I don't own Sweeney Todd :( I think we all know this.**

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><p>(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett walk into St. Dunstan's market that is filled with people.)<p>

Mrs. Lovett: He's here every Thursday. Eye-talian.

Sweeney: Who's here every Thursday? WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING YOUR PROPER NOUNS, WOMAN? And eye-talian?

Mrs. Lovett (her eye twitching from Sweeney using Caps Lock): A man named Davey Collins who pretends to be Adolfo Pirelli, an eye-talian, yes, eye-talian, barber who makes mysterious elixirs and gives them to unsuspecting people for a penny.

Sweeney: Wait, why put so much emphasis on the "I"

Mrs. Lovett: It's just me accent, love.

Sweeney: Whatever you say. (looks around the marketplace and sees the Beadle.) LE GASP! It's the Beadle! I'm going to stab him multiple times until he bleeds all over me and passing pedestrians!

(Sweeney charges forward and Mrs. Lovett does her best to hold him back)

Mrs. Lovett: Wait, love.

Sweeney: Why? This is Victorian London. Someone could beat a man with a retractable stick making them bleed all over the road and have them wobble down the street and no one would notice the blood covered man.

Mrs. Lovett: … Touché.

(Toby comes out onto the caravan stage holding an electric guitar and dragging out an amp. He plays the beginning of the song 'Pirelli's Miracle Elixir' and then smashes the guitar on the stage with a loud yell. The crowd goes wild.)

Toby: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Anyway, down to business.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

May I have your attention per-LLLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE!

Do you wake every morning

In shame and despair

To discover your pillow

Is covered with 'air

What ought not to be there?

Random Audience Member: WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SINGING! YOU'RE DOING IT TOO FAST! BESIDES, THIS IS VICTORIAN LONDON! WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT ELECTRIC GUITAR!

(Meanwhile, Mrs. Lovett has an arm spasm from all of the Caps Lock)

Toby: Pirelli. BUY HIS ELIXIR!

Audience: HOORAY!

(Toby takes out the bottles and chucks them at random bystanders, most of the bottles breaking on their heads and pouring down their bodies.)

Sweeney: I smell a smelly smell.

Mrs. Lovett: You smell that too? I could've sworn this was a dream and I drank too much gin in the pie shop and the smell of the pies was invading the remaining fresh ai-

Sweeney: IT'S PISS AND INK!

(Mrs. Lovett has another arm spasm and "accidently" elbows Sweeney in the ribs from all of the Caps Lock)

Sweeney: OW! What the f-

Mrs. Lovett (before Sweeney could finish): I second that declaration!

(Pirelli comes out wearing a blue silk matador suit. The audience members half expect a bull to come out and Pirelli to shout OLE!)

Pirelli:

IIIIIIIII

AM ADOLFO PIRELLI

THE KING OF THE BARBERS

THE BARBER OF KINGS

A BIONE GIORNO

GOOD DAY!

I BLOW YOU A KISS!

(Blows crowd a kiss, the crowd cringes in disgust, Mrs. Lovett twitches and spazzes even more.)

Pirelli:

AND IIIIIIIII

THE SO FAMOUS PIRELLI

A-WISH I-A HAD-A

THE NERVE-A TO SAY!

MY ELIXIR IS PISS!

WHO KNEW THIS?

I MEAN SAID!

Sweeney: I do! The most amazing and gangster Sweeney Todd, of Fleet Street so you all know where I live!

Mrs. Lovett: I also think this!

Sweeney: Shut up, woman! You don't have a say in this!

Mrs. Lovett: Aw. :(

Sweeney: Anyway… I challenge you to a shave-off you blue matador!

(The crowd does a big OOO… at the insult)

Pirelli (With a Brooklyn accent): Yo! You're on… Yo?

Sweeney: O_O alright. I bet my prized possesion against five pounds. If I lose I get… the product you use to style your hair. How good would I look with hair like that?

(Pirelli rolls his eyes)

Pirelli: Yo dawg, it's a deal. FIST POUND!

(They do a fist pound as Toby brings out the supplies.)

Sweeney: Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Beadle: Oh! Oh! Oh! I've always wanted to be a judge.

Sweeney: Alrighty then. Who's for a free shave?

(Two men come up and sit in the chairs. Sweeney puts a plain white cloth on top of his customer while Pirelli uses the Brazilian flag.)

Pirelli (in a Jamaican accent): Let's get this started man.

Sweeney: Agreed.

Beadle: Razors ready. Set. GO!

(Pirelli begins to furiously use his leather strop with Toby on the other end, lashing him trying to be inconspicuous, meanwhile every knows exactly what he's doing. Sweeney takes his time)

Pirelli (still in Jamaican accent with a hint of Italian):

Now signorini

Signori man

We mix-a the lather

But first we-a gather around man

Signorini

Signori man

You're-a looking-a manSS

Who has shave-a the Pope!

Mr. Sweeney whoever man

You'd probably say it

Was only a cardinal man

Nope!

It was-a the Pope man!

Sweeney: Honestly, no one wants to listen to you sing while you shave your customer.

(crowd nods in agreement.)

Pirelli (Russian accent): Fine! If I can't sing, den I forfeit!

(crowd cheers)

Beadle: Sweeney wins by default!

Sweeney: Thank you! Thank you!

Mrs. Lovett: I knew you could do it, love! Even if by default!

(Random people from the crowd throw roses onto the stage. Sweeney catches one in his mouth and Mrs. Lovett and some of the younger ladies swoon.)

Pirelli (Italian accent again.): You are obviously-a the better-a man-a. Here-a you-a go. (hands him five pounds and hair products) When you-a use the hair-a product, make-a sure you-a go from-a the roots of your-a scalp-a down towards-a the ends-a to get-a the best-a results-a. May the good-a lord-a smile on-a you.

Sweeney: SQUEE! I'm going to look FANTABULOUS!

Pirelli: O_O Whatever you-a say. Toby! (Throws him in the caravan while everyone is watching. Everyone LE GASPS simultaneously.)

(Sweeney walks down by Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: That was marvelous Mr. T.

Sweeney: Well, I do try my best.

Random Audience Member: I have got to say, Mr. Todd, you were really good.

Sweeney: Thank you. Just for that compliment, come by my establishment on Fleet Street and I'll make sure to make your death as painless as possible.

Random Audience Member: O_O I'm sure that's just a barbering term.

Mrs. Lovett (in a panic): It is!

(The audience member walks away.)

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T? What the bloody hell is wrong with you?

Sweeney: Well, I'm a homicidal barber who's daily activities are brooding, pacing, and plotting revenge. Sometimes I even do the three at the same time. My landlady has a huge crush on me, my wife is "dead", and my daughter is being the captive of my worst enemy. So nothing at all is wrong with me.

Mrs. Lovett: … Right.

(Sweeney spots the Beadle and runs toward him.)

Sweeney: BEADLE! BEADLE! Oh my god, Beadle! You were amazing as the Judge.

Beadle: I always knew I'd make a great Judge. Hey, don't I know you?

Sweeney (panicked): What? NO!

Beadle: Yah, aren't you umm… Jake Sparrow? Is it?

Sweeney: IT'S JACK SPARROW! And no. Anyway, come by my shop on Fleet Street and for no charge, I'll make sure to make your death slow and painful. MWAHAHAHAHA :D

Beadle: O_O Must be a barbering term.

Sweeney: Sure.

Beadle: ALRIGHTY THEN! :D BYE BYE!

(The Beadle prances away and Sweeney turns back to Mrs. Lovett who is completely spazzing on the floor from all of the Caps Lock.)

Sweeney: Dear God. Mrs. Lovett, you have got to get over your thing with Cap Lock.]

Mrs. Lovett: So… Much… Caps… Lock…

Sweeney: Come on, let's go.

(Mrs. Lovett painfully gets up and has random twitches and spasms from over-dosage of Caps Lock.)

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><p><strong>So, that was Chapter 4. It was longer than the others surprisingly. Please R&amp;R it'll make Mrs. Lovett stop spazzing and twitching. :) lol<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, just wanted to upload one more before I'm off to sleep away camp. Another one should be uploaded on Sat. or Sun. I decided to do two scenes for this one, then I'll separate when Anthony comes, when Pirelli comes, when Judge Turpin comes, and Epiphany into seperate ones so I have frequent updates after this week. Anyway, here's chapter five. Enjoy!**

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><p>(Anthony is hiding behind a post in front of Judge Turpin's mansion.)<p>

Johanna: Oh. HEY FEMININE BOY! I FEEL YOU!

Anthony: I FEEL YOU TOO JOHANNA MONTANNA!

Johanna: IT'S NOT JOHANNA MONTANNA TODAY! TODAY IT'S JOHANNA JONAS!

Anthony: OH! OKAY! WELL, I FEEL YOU JOHANNA JONAS!

(Johanna chucks the key at Anthony and it hits him right in the eye. Anthony doubles over in pain, and Johanna in laughter.)

Johanna: Aw, man. Did you see that? I was all like *makes an exaggerated throwing motion* and he was all like *makes a girlish scream*

Anthony: ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY LOVE!

Johanna: WELL, COME ANYTIME YOU WOULD LIKE!

Anthony: ALRIGHT! SEE YOU THEN!

(Anthony runs off. Just then the Judge bursts through the door.)

Judge Turpin: NOO!

Johanna: YESS!

Judge Turpin: HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE THAT FEMININE SAILOR BOY OVER ME?

Johanna: Because he accepts my Disney character obsessions and he isn't a good 60 years older than me.

Judge Turpin: LOVE KNOWS NO AGE!

Johanna: IT DOES WHEN ONE OF THEM IS A 16 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AND THE OTHER IS A 76 YEAR OLD PERVERT!

Judge Turpin: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU JUST THREW AWAY YOUR KEY LIKE THAT!

Johanna: WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE IT TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!

(Just then an arrow fles through the window, breaking the glass and lands on the wall right in between their faces. Attached to the arrow is a note.)

Note: Dear Johanna and Judge Turpin,

TURN OFF THE DAMN CAPS LOCK! IT'S MAKING ME LOOK WEIRD IN FRONT OF MY CUSTOMERS!

With love,

Mrs. Lovett

Judge Turpin: O_O

Johanna: O_O

Judge Turpin: If you stay with me, I'll give you chocolate pudding.

Johanna: Oh, don't try that with me, I know all about your Low Fat French Vanilla Yogurt thing.

Judge Turpin: Can't blame a guy for trying.

Johanna: …

Judge Turpin: … I hope you have a fine day?

Johanna: You two?

(Awkward)

( )

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are up in the barber shop. Sweeney is brooding, sharpening his razor on wood and Mrs. Lovett is sitting in the barber's chair. Sweeney's hair is full of Pirelli's hair product and is styled in Princess Leia buns.)

Mrs. Lovett: It's not that much of a chair, but it'll do. Was me poor Albert's. Sat in it all day long he did, when his leg gave out with the gout.

Sweeney: So you're giving me your husband chair for my murderous needs?

Mrs. Lovett: Yep.

(Sweeney chucks the block of wood across the room and it breaks through the window. You hear a faint yell of pain from below. Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett double over in laughter.)

Sweeney: Aw, man. Did you see that? I was all like *makes an exaggerated throwing motion* and he was all like *makes a girlish scream*

Mrs. Lovett: I know right! *laughs even more* what a wuss.

(Anthony barges in with a huge bruise on his face.)

Anthony: Mr. Todd!

Sweeney: What is it Anthony?

Anthony: I was just hit in the face with a flying block of wood. In the same place that Johanna threw her key. Nice hair by the way.

Sweeney: Oh, so that was you? I thought that was natural. And what did you say about my daughter? Oh, (runs his hand over his hair) and thank you.

Anthony: Daughter?

Sweeney: I… didn't say daughter? I said… slaughter?

Anthony: What sense does that make?

Sweeney: I don't know! Just get on with it man!

Anthony: Okay, okay! Don't get your razors all up in a twist! Alright, so Johanna chucked this key at my head. I think this means she loves me and that I should go visit her today when the Judge is out.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, how romantic!

Anthony: I know right!

(they high five.)

Anthony: I don't know anyone in London though. Could I bring her here for an hour or two before we go off on our crazy couple adventures?

Sweeney: …

Mrs. Lovett: …

Sweeney: …

Mrs. Lovett: … Bring her here, love.

Sweeney: THIS IS MY DECISION! Sure, Anthony. Bring her here.

(Mrs. Lovett twitches.)

Anthony: Thank you, Mr. Todd. You are a Saint.

(Sweeney twitches while Anthony rushes out of the shop. Sweeney begins to multitask. Hooray for pacing and brooding.)

Mrs. Lovett: Look at that now. Johanna's coming home, Mr. T.

Sweeney: Do not bother me when I am pacing and brooding. It's very dangerous.

Mrs. Lovett: Believe me, love. I know.

(Sweeney looks out the window.)

Sweeney: LE GASP! It's that blue matador and his modern day musician! Keep the boy downstairs and give him food poisoning. A bite or two should do it.

Mrs. Lovett: *Scowl.*

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><p><strong>Hope you guys liked chapter 5. R&amp;R please!<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry it took so long to upload. I came back from sleepaway camp a couple of days ago and I was really busy and relaxed and I didn't have a lot of inspiration. Sorry if this one isn't as random as the rest.**

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><p>(Mrs. Lovett walks downstairs to find the blue matador and his guitar playing street rat approaching.)<p>

Mrs. Lovett: Hey matador, hey street rat.

Pirelli & Toby: Hi.

Pirelli: I need-a to see-a Mr.-a Todd-a

Mrs. Lovett: He's right up there. (points to the barber shop.) You're street rat looks hungry. I do hate to see a boy like that. You don't mind if I give him food poisoning now do you?

Pirelli: Sure, whatever you-a want-a

Mrs. Lovett: Come on boy. You stomach's strong I hope.

Toby: (gulps nervously)

(Toby and Mrs. Lovett walk into the pie shop. Toby sits in one of the booths while Mrs. Lovett takes out a plate and a dusty, moldy meat pie.)

Mrs. Lovett: Now I want you to eat this, and every last bite.

Toby: Awww…

(Mrs. Lovett sets the plate in front of him as Toby is poking it and watching the pie twitch. Toby takes a bite and does his best to tame his gag reflex.)

Mrs. Lovett: So… How does it taste?

Toby (in pain): I think it poisoned my stomach acids. I can feel it burning through my stomach. (Clutches his stomach and moans.)

Mrs. Lovett: *scowl*

(Meanwhile upstairs, Pirelli walks through the barber shop door.)

Pirelli (with a heavy British accent): Mr. Todd

Sweeney: Matador. The hair product you gave me is amazing!

Pirelli: I'm glad you like it. You can also buy the shampoo and conditioner from St. Dunstan's Marketplace.

Sweeney: I'll make sure to do that.

Pirelli: By the way, I know your secret.

Sweeney: Well, I know yours.

Pirelli: Oh, do you now!

Sweeney: Yes, I do.

Pirelli: Well, what is it then?

Sweeney: You're not Italian!

Pirelli: LE GASP! How did you know?

Sweeney: It takes a real genius to figure that out.

Pirelli: Well… Well, you're not Sweeney Todd! You're really Benjamin Barker! A barber that was sent away 15 years ago! You probably don't remember me, but I was a lad that would sweep up hair in your shop! I remember your razors!

Sweeney: LE GASP! You're so mean!

Pirelli: I'll take half your owning from here on out. Share and share alike. Or I'll tell my supposed friend, Beadle Bamford, that you have come back.

Sweeney: NOO!

(Meanwhile downstairs, Toby has barely touched his pie and Mrs. Lovett is watching him contently, waiting for him to finish.)

Mrs. Lovett: You remind me of me poor dear Albert.

Toby: In what way?

Mrs. Lovett: The way you eat my pies. He gorged himself to flotation he did.

Toby: I don't see why. You're pies are burning through my stomach.

Mrs. Lovett (completely ignoring him.): He didn't have your nice head of hair though.

Toby: To tell the truth (takes off the wig and gives it to Mrs. Lovett. She rubs it between her fingers, it has a strange texture) It's not my hair. It's made from the hair of Pirelli's customers.

(Mrs. Lovett jumps at that statement as she falls out of her chair. Seeing the chance, Toby picked up his meat pie and chucked it across the room making a loud crash. Mrs. Lovett didn't seem to notice though, she was too busy trying to get away from the wig as fast as possible. Meanwhile upstairs Pirelli is advancing on Sweeney.)

Sweeney: You know how that makes me feel?

Pirelli: No, how does that make you feel? I'm not Dr. Phil Mr. Barker!

Sweeney (grabbing a tea pot): It makes me feel angry. (smacks Pirelli with the pot.) LIKE SMACKING SOMEONE WITH A TEAPOT ANGRY!

(Pirelli is sprawled on the floor with a giant bruise on his face. He gets up.)

Pirelli: COME AT ME, BRO!

(Sweeney swings at him again. Downstairs Mrs. Lovett and Toby hear a loud thud. Mrs. Lovett has a random spasm and Toby looks at her weirdly)

Mrs. Lovett: So, how did you eat that pie so quickly?

Toby: Uhh… Hey, um. I kind of forgot, Pirelli's got an appointment with, uh… He's got uh… He's got a barbering appointment?

Mrs. Lovett: But, he's a barber. Can't he just style his own hair? Or shave himself?

Toby: I got to go. Bye!

Mrs. Lovett: WAIT!

Toby: What?

Mrs. Lovett: Don't be surprised if your master isn't up there.

Toby: Okay!

(Toby runs out the door and up the staircase to the barber shop. He bursts in and says…)

Toby: Signor! We need to get away from the crazy lady and her evil pies!

(His words trail off as he sees no Pirelli, only a giant blood and tea stain on the floor and Sweeney Todd pouring some hot water in a cup.)

Sweeney: Pirelli has gone away from you. Better go away.

Toby: No… I think I'll stay here and wait for him to come back.

Sweeney: He doesn't want you, he hates you, just go roam the streets or do whatever street rat musicians do.

Toby: To tell the truth, I've always wanted to be a dentist.

Sweeney: A… dentist?

Toby (sitting on top of a shaking chest that is whispering "help me."): I've always found that being a dentist was interesting.

Sweeney: O_O … right. Uh. Why don't you go back downstairs to Mrs. Lovett.

Toby: And eat more of her devil pies? No.

Sweeney: What if I told you that she would give you an entire gin bottle, even if you are under aged.

Toby: LE GASP! Really?

Sweeney: Sure.

Toby: Thanks! :D

(Toby skips out the door and down the outside staircase back to the pie shop. In the barber shop, Sweeney opens the quivering chest and picks up Pirelli and slits his throat. Pirelli spazzes a lot before dying completely and being laid down in the chest. Sweeney closes the chest and starts cleaning off his blood stained razor using Oxi Clean and a white cloth.)

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><p><strong>That's chapter 6. Hope you guys enjoyed it anyway! :) Please R&amp;R<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Here is chapter 7. I don't think this is a very long chapter, more reviews get longer chapters. And after this chapter is Epiphany! I've got some ideas. :3 So anyway, thanks to everyone who has been reading from the start! It makes me happy :) Read on...**

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><p>(At the courthouse…)<p>

Judge Turpin: You're persistent dedication to a life of stealing bags of my favorite brand of trail mix from a stand in St. Dunstan's Marketplace, is an abomination before god, man, and myself. I therefore sentence you to hang by the neck until you're dead and may the Lord have mercy on your soul. Court is adjourned!

(He bangs his little hammer on his desk as the police drag a small child away. The Judge walks out of the courthouse and down the street, the Beadle catches up with him.)

Beadle: Judge! Judge! Wait up!

Judge: Hey! (He bends in for a kiss but then realizes they're in public and pulls back) I have great news!

Beadle: What is it?

Judge: I have decided to blow you off and marry Johanna instead.

Beadle: Frowny face :(

Judge: It'll cover up our gayness.

Beadle: True. Happy news I guess?

Judge: Glad you think so. It was strange though, she seemed reluctant when I asked her.

Beadle (sarcastically): I wonder why.

Judge: I know right!

Beadle: Well, you are a bit ugly.

Judge: Excuse me?

Beadle: What I mean, sir, is that you need a shave, and a bath once in a while wouldn't hurt either.

Judge: Look who's talking.

Beadle: You know what, you should go see this new barber shop. It's on Fleet Street. I'll take you there.

(They walk off together hand in hand.)

(Downstairs in the pie shop, Toby is very drunk and talking on and on about his horrible childhood, and how he wants to be a dentist instead of an amazing, famous rock star.)

Toby (slurring his words): And then when I was seven (hiccup) the workhouse sold me out to some detective (hiccup) or somethin'. He could solve any mystery (hiccup). They called him Sherholme or Holmlock (hiccup) or whatever.

Mrs. Lovett (looking at him bored.): Whatever. I honestly don't care. I'm going to check on Mr. T to see if he's done killin- I mean if your master has come back.

Toby: Alrighty

(Toby hiccups again and falls drunkenly to the floor. Mrs. Lovett picks him up and throws him into the parlor. When she finishes, she walks upstairs to find an empty bottle of Oxi Clean on the floor and Sweeney trying desperately to clean the blood stain out of the floor.)

Sweeney (muttering to himself, not noticing Mrs. Lovett come in.): Stupid Oxi Clean. Billy Mays, why did you lie to me?

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. T?

Sweeney: LE GASP? WOMAN! MUST YOU SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT?

Mrs. Lovett (trying her best to contain her twitching.): Sorry, love. I was just wondering when Toby's master would come back for him. The little monster drank all my gin, he didn't leave any for me. The drunk bastard.

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett. Watch your mouth.

Mrs. Lovett: I'm sorry, when I don't get my gin I get cranky.

Sweeney: Doesn't matter. (he stands up and looks at the now barely visible stain in the floor.) Remind me next time we go to St. Dunstan's market to pick up Tide instead of Oxi Clean.

Mrs. Lovett: Don't worry, dear. I will. Anyway, back to the storyline. Where's Pirelli?

Sweeney: I killed him. He's in the trunk.

Mrs. Lovett: LE GASP! (she walks over to the chest and opens it up to find a dead Pirelli.) You've gone mad!

Sweeney: Not really. He remembered me from my happy days. Tried to blackmail me, half me ownings.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, okay. That makes it totally legal.

Sweeney: Yes, yes it does.

Mrs. Lovett: What are we going to do about the boy then?

Sweeney: Send him up.

Mrs. Lovett: I fully agree, but I could use his help around the pie shop. Free labor.

Sweeney: True. (looks out the window and sees the Judge coming.) HOLY CRAP IT'S THE JUDGE! LEAVE!

(Mrs. Lovett spazzes and runs out the door. Sweeney sees the blood stain on his arm and quickly throws on a leather jacket. The Judge walks in and says…)

Judge: Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: Hey Judge Turpin.

Judge: How'd you know my name?

Sweeney: Who doesn't know you?

Judge: A good part of the population of the Earth.

Sweeney: Touché. Anyway, take a seat so I can murder you and quench my murderous needs.

Judge: O_O I just know that's a barbering term.

(The Judge sits down in the barber's seat and starts singing about pretty women, even though he's gay and plans on marrying his ward.)

Sweeney: Now hold still while I try to slit your throat.

Judge: What?

(Just then Anthony bursts in singing...)

Anthony: OH, MR. TODD! I'M SO HAPPY! I COULD, EAT YOU UP I REALLY COULD! YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO, MR. TODD! WHAT I'VE DREAMED! EVER SINCE YESTERDAY MORN! JOHANNA! SHE PLANS TO LEAVE WITH ME TONIGH-

(He cuts off as he sees Judge Turpin.)

Anthony: Crap.

Judge: You, prissy singing boy. How dare you sing about how you're going to run off with my Johanna. And the beginning of that song isn't supposed to be sung until later. The very nerve. (turns to Sweeney.) As for you, barber. I don't like people who know feminine boys. GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!

(The Judge storms out of the room and leaves the barber and the sailor speechless.)

Sweeney: Do you have any idea how much I hate your guts right now?

Anthony: A lot?

Sweeney: Enough to deny your facebook friend request.

Anthony: Damn it. Back to five friends. :(

Sweeney: Who are they?

Anthony: Mitchell, Eliza, Grace, Grandma Hope and Nellie Lovett.

Sweeney: I'm deleting you from Mitchell, Eliza and Grace. Don't know why my razors accepted your friend request, or how they got a facebook. And I guess I could kill your Grandmother, and I know I can convince Mrs. Lovett to delete your request.

(Anthony then looks like the 'forever alone' meme.)

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><p><strong>Poor Anthony only has five facebook friends, but not for long. If you don't know what a 'forever alone' meme is, look it up. Anyway, hope you guys liked this chapter! :) Please R&amp;R, it might just get Sweeney to leave Anthony's grandmother alone.<strong>


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! Here is chapter 8 of the Demonic Parody! I hope you like it! I find this one to be pretty funny.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd. I haven't convinced Stephen Sondheim yet. lol :)**

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><p>Anthony: Mr. Todd, you gotta help me though.<p>

Sweeney: After what just happened? No.

Anthony: Please? (makes puppy eyes.)

Sweeney: No. Get out!

Anthony: Aww… :(

(Anthony sulks out of the room and down the outside staircase. Mrs. Lovett bursts in.)

Mrs. Lovett: Did you get him?

Sweeney: I HAD HIM! His throat was there beneath my hand.

Mrs. Lovett (twitch): Or you could just burst into song and not fully answer my question.

Sweeney: NO! I HAD HIM! He was there now he'll never come again!

Mrs. Lovett: Calm down! Do you want all of London to hear you?

Sweeney: When?

Mrs. Lovett: Soon.

Sweeney: Why did I wait? YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT!

Mrs. Lovett: When did I tell you this?

Sweeney: Earlier.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, did I really?

Sweeney: Yes. Why did I listen to you anyway?

Mrs. Lovett: Because I am, SUPERIOR (cough cough.)

Sweeney: Whatever you say. WE ALL DESERVE TO DIE!

Mrs. Lovett: Even you, Sweeney Todd? Even I?

Sweeney: Definatly you.

Mrs. Lovett: Aw. :( WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME!

Sweeney: I see you are getting better with your Caps Lock. And mostly because you are annoying, spaz every time I use Caps Lock, and don't know how to bake my chocolate chip cookies the way my mother used to.

Mrs. Lovett: And you'll never see Johanna.

Sweeney: No I'll never hug my girl to me. FINISHED!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, no! Don't you go all homicidal barber fantasy on me.

Sweeney: Too late!

(Sweeney shuts his eyes closed hard, he and Mrs. Lovett appear in a cartoon forest. There is a grey unicorn laying on a carpet, fast asleep.)

Mrs. Lovett: Sweeney. Where the hell are we?

Sweeney: Oh, uhh-

(Two unicorns appear in front of them. One is pink and one is blue.)

Pink Unicorn: Hey sir.

Blue Unicorn: Yah, hey sir.

Sweeney: … yes?

Blue Unicorn: Can we borrow that razor of yours?

Pink Unicorn: We need to cut something.

(Hearing the word 'cut', Sweeney hands his razor over to the Blue Unicorn.)

Blue Unicorn: Thank you, sir.

Pink Unicorn: Yes. Thank you.

(The two unicorns gallop towards the grey unicorn and make a small cut by his stomach. The Blue Unicorn made it deeper as the Pink Unicorn reached in and grabbed a wet, red thing. The Blue Unicorn quickly ran back to the barber and gave him back his razor as the two galloped off. The Grey Unicorn woke up about ten seconds after that.)

Grey Unicorn: Uh… What? Wait, what happened? DAMN IT THEY STOLE MY KIDNEY!

(Mrs. Lovett had a small twitch fit as Sweeney approached the Grey Unicorn.)

Sweeney: Excuse me? Unicorn?

Grey Unicorn: The name is Charlie.

Sweeney: Yes, Charlie. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd. Um… Could you tell us where we are? It seems that Mrs. Lovett (points to her) and I have gotten lost on our way to my fantasy.

Grey Unicorn: Uh, yah sure. Just head about twenty sandwiches north and make a legal U turn at the giant foot. That's when you travel about ten point five applesauces eas-

Sweeney: Oh you're no help! I'll just get concentrate real hard to get us out of my imagination and back to reality.

Charlie: WAIT!

Sweeney: What?

Charlie: Did you see two unicorns pass by here? One was pink and one was blue?

Sweeney: Uh, yah. They borrowed my razor to cut you open. I didn't know they were going to steal your kidney.

Charlie: You helped them? I'M GOING TO FREAKIN' KILL YOU!

Sweeney: Holy crap! Mrs. Lovett! STOP SPAZZING AND HOLD ON TO ME!

Mrs. Lovett: Gladly :)

Sweeney: WAIT! Before we do anything!

Mrs. Lovett & Charlie: What?

Sweeney: I gotta choose between getting hugged by Mrs. Lovett and ripped limb by limb by a grey unicorn. (weighing the two options in his hands.) Mrs. Lovett hug. Unicorn beating. Mrs. Lovett hug. Unicorn beating. If I wasn't so sure I was going to get killed I would go with the Unicorn beating.

Mrs. Lovett: WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME? D:

Sweeney: I know that I'm going to regret this later. Mrs. Lovett, hold on to me again.

Mrs. Lovett: SQUEE! :D

Sweeney: Okay Charlie, you can continue.

Charlie (makes shoop da woop face): IMMA FIRIN' MA LAZER!

Sweeney (shutting his eyes really hard in concentration.): OH *CENSOR*

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett pop back into his tonsorial parlor, breathing heavily.)

Mrs. Lovett: I think we're safe.

Sweeney (throws Mrs. Lovett off of him.): Get off of me, woman!

Mrs. Lovett: It scares me to think what goes on in your mind sometimes.

Sweeney: I know. Okay, I'm going to try this again. Hopefully it'll work.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, god help me!

Sweeney: My mom would say that all the time! She would go, "DEAR GOD! GIVE ME STRENGTH!"

Mrs. Lovett: O_O just pop us into your deranged barber murderer fantasy.

Sweeney: Okay.

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett appear on the empty streets of London. There is no one there.)

Sweeney: Damn it! We missed rush hour!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, well. I know the message you're trying to send me, dearie.

Sweeney: It's now my moral code to bring justice to the people!

Mrs. Lovett: And you're going to do that by… killing the people?

Sweeney: Yes. It makes complete and total sense.

Mrs. Lovett: Because your Lucy lies in ashes.

Sweeney: And I'll never see my girl again.

Mrs. Lovett: But the work waits.

Sweeney: I'm alive at last! AND I'M FULL OF JOY!

Mrs. Lovett: You don't seem so joyful. More angered and pained, with just a hint of remorse.

Sweeney: That was the recipe to my mother's brownies.

Mrs. Lovett: Were they any good?

Sweeney: No. But neither is your cooking.

Mrs. Lovett: *scowl* just poof us out of here already.

Sweeney: POOF!

(The both arrive back at the tonsorial parlor.)

Mrs. Lovett: Come on, Mr. T. Let's go downstairs and discuss cannibalism.

Sweeney: GOODY GOODY GUMDROPS!

(He stays there.)

Mrs. Lovett: Well?

Sweeney: Well what?

Mrs. Lovett: Let's go!

Sweeney (as a toddler would say it): Can you carry me?

Mrs. Lovett (with a sigh): Fine.

(Mrs. Lovett picks him up bridal style and struggles down the stairs and into the pie shop.)

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><p><strong>Hope you guys liked it! R&amp;R please! It will give Mrs. Lovett strength! :) lol<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Here is chapter 9! Hope you enjoy it :3**

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><p>(Mrs. Lovett carries Sweeney down the outer stairs and into the pie shop. She tosses him into a booth and he hits his head and other parts of his body on the table.)<p>

Sweeney: OW!

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry.

(Mrs. Lovett walks out of the room and into the parlor to find Toby hugging his bottle of gin and snoring loudly. Mrs. Lovett sighs and takes it from him.)

Mrs. Lovett: The bastard drank all of my gin.

(She pours Sweeney what remains in the bottle and gives it to him.)

Mrs. Lovett: Drink up

Sweeney: But I don't wanna. It tastes bad.

Mrs. Lovett: DRINK IT!

Sweeney: Okay, okay. Fine.

Mrs. Lovett: Now, down to business. What are we going to do about the matador?

Sweeney: What any sensible person would do, sneak out in the middle of the night, dig a ditch and bury him.

Mrs. Lovett: But what if relatives come poking around looking for him?

Sweeney: Who would go looking for him?

Mrs. Lovett: Not the point, but I've been thinking. Seems a downright shame.

Sweeney: What's a shame?

Mrs. Lovett: Seems an awful waste.

Sweeney: ANSWER MY QUESTION, WOMAN!

Mrs. Lovett: Such a nice plump frame.

Sweeney: Are you talking about the matador? Yes, he was very fat.

Mrs. Lovett: That's why I think we should get some architects to build a two story chute from your barber shop down to my bakehouse so you can send your victims down so I can bake them all into meat pies and sell them to the unsuspecting public.

Sweeney: Or we could use the convenient trap door behind the barber's chair that leads down there.

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, yeah. That too.

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you're a bloody wonder, eminently practical and yet appropriate as always.

Mrs. Lovett: Glad you think it's a practical and appropriate idea.

Sweeney: So many people will come for shaves, which means my murderous needs will be fulfilled and you can bake them into better meat pies.

Mrs. Lovett: Hooray!

Sweeney: I'm in.

Mrs. Lovett: Hooray! :)

Sweeney: Wait a minute. Wouldn't people be wondering how you got your pies to taste great all of a sudden?

Mrs. Lovett: We'll just tell them I took a Betty Crocker cooking class.

Sweeney: Ah, good thinking. Betty Crocker can fix anyone's cooking.

Mrs. Lovett: I know right.

Sweeney: Can you imagine all of the different people flavors? Priest, poet, lawyer, royal marine.

Mrs. Lovett: Squire, vicar, grocer.

Sweeney: Fop, shepard, politician, friar, actor.

Mrs. Lovett (dreamily fluttering her eyes): Barber.

Sweeney: O_O (scooches away.)

(Mrs. Lovett has an evil glare in her eye and smiles creepily.)

SSSSSCCCCCEEEEEENNNNNEEEEEE !

(Johanna is packing all of her stuff in a few disney channel styled bag. There is a Hannah Montanna bag where if you move it back and forth it goes from Hannah to Miley and back again, a Jonas Brother's bag with all three of the brothers, and a Camp Rock bag. She's humming the song that Anthony sings. All of a sudden, Judge Turpin barges in the room along with the Beadle.)

Judge: How could you?

Johanna: Sir, you should knock before entering an international pop star's room.

Judge: Johanna, for the last time you are not a Disney channel pop star.

Beadle: Oooo… Oh, no he didn't.

Johanna: Well, at least Anthony accepts my obsession. Besides, my name isn't Johanna today, it's Jemi Lovato.

Judge: Yah, sure, Jemi. Whatever.

Johanna: That hurts.

Judge: What hurts even more is that I raped your mother, took you in and looked you up in this room for the past fifteen years and this is thanks I get?

Johanna: I hate your guts.

Judge: Woah… Cutting deep man.

Johanna: Like I really care.

Judge: You know what this tells me? You've gone completely insane.

Beadle: I totally agree. Only an insane people would wear that jack with those pants. (Points at the items of clothing.)

Johanna: D: (sob)

Judge: Beadle! Take her away! Bring her to an asylum!

Beadle: Okay!

(He takes a random sack, throws it on Johanna and drags her away.)

Johanna: Someone help me! Que alguien me ayude!

Beadle: Since when could you speak Spanish?

Johanna: Since a Spanish fugitive from Russia stopped in front of my window every night.

Beadle: A Spanish guy…

Johanna: Si.

Beadle: From… Russia?

Johanna: Yes.

Beadle: O_O Even more the reason to bring you to that asylum.

Johanna: NOOOO!

(The Beadle drags her outside and throws her inside of a convenient carriage. The carriage drives off with her with Anthony running behind it. The Judge is standing in front of his house.)

Anthony: Johanna!

Judge: Actually, today it's Jemi Lovato.

Anthony: Oh thanks. JEMI!

Judge: You'll never find her.

Anthony: Oh really? And why is that?

Judge: Because I hide her real well, and I don't want you anywhere near her.

Anthony: Where is that place exactly? You know, so I know where I shouldn't go.

Judge: Oh, alright. Fogg's Asylum.

Anthony: … :)

Judge: … Damn it.

Anthony: HAHA! :D

(Anthony runs down the road after Jemi singing his little stalker song.)

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><p><strong>Hope you guys liked chapter nine. I've been working on another Sweeney Fanfic. Drama. About an orphan X3 of course. haha. R&amp;R Please<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys, here's chapter 10. Anthony confuses his musicals, Beggar Elvis is still singing rock, and Sweeney is still homicidal. lol. I got the first part of him writing in his diary from a picture. lol so credit to that. Anyway, I hope you like it!/**

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><p>(Sweeney is sitting on his bed, writing in his diary.)<p>

_Sweeney's Diary:_

_Dear Diary,_

_If I cut other people, am I still emo?_

(He glances over to the chair and stands up.)

Sweeney: I guess I should fix this chair up with gears and tools that I conveniently happen to have lying around.

(Sweeney has his little chair building montage. The Phineas and Ferb building montage music is playing in the background. When Sweeney is done, he stands over the chair triumphantly with a f**k yeah meme face.)

SCENE CHANGE

(Anthony is prancing around the streets singing Maria from West Side Story.)

Anthony (sings): The most beautiful sound that I've ever heard. Maria, Maria, Maria, Mariaaaaaaaa! (speaking.) Wait, aren't I in love with a girl named Johanna? (shrugs and continues singing) All the beautiful sounds in the world in one word. Johanna, Johanna, Johanna, Johanna, Johannaaaaaaaa!

(In his parlor, about to shave a customer.)

Sweeney: And are you beautiful and pale,

With yellow hair like her,

I'd like you beautiful and pale,

The I've dreamed you were.

Customer: I'm glad you think I'm beautiful and pale, but as you can see, I have black hair, not blo-

Sweeney (slit's the customer's throat): JOHANNA!

Anthony (in the background): I've just met a girl named Johanna! And suddenly that name, will never be the same to meeeeee!

Sweeney: And if you're beautiful what then,

With yellow hair like wheat,

I think we shall not meet again,

My little dove my sweet.

Customer: Okay, number one, I'm not your little dove, I just came here for a shave, not some song balla-

Sweeney (slits his throat): Johanna!

Anthony (in the background): Johanna!

Sweeney: Goodbye Johanna!

You're gone and yet you're mine!

I'm fine Johanna!

Customer: Uh, my name's not Johanna, and I didn't ask you how you fee-

Sweeney (slits customer's throat.): I'm fine!

Beggar Woman (in the streets, still dressed in Elvis apparel):

YOU AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HOUNDOG!

CRYING ALL THE TIME!

YOU AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HOUNDOG!

CRYING ALL THE TIME!

WELL YOU AIN'T NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT

AND YOU AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE!

Oh, by the way, the city's on fire and there's mischief in the air.

Sweeney (in his parlor): And if I never hear your voice

My turtledove, my dear.

I still have reason to rejoice,

The way ahead is clear!

Customer (mind you he's bald.): So I'd like a little bit off the top, maybe an inch trim, I'd also like you to shave my beard.

Sweeney (setting him up in his chair.): Johanna! (turns to customer) Oh, don't worry, I'll take off a bit more than just a little on the top.

Customer: That didn't seem creepy at all.

Anthony (in the background): I've just kissed a girl named Johanna!

Sweeney (mixing the lather): And in the darkness when I'm blind,

With what I can't forget,

It's always morning in my mind,

My little lamb, my pet!

Customer: You don't seem like the kind who likes mornings, and do I look like a lamb to you? I'm not your pet.

Sweeney: Johanna!

Anthony (in the background): And suddenly I've found

How wonderful a sound

Can be!

Sweeney: You stay, Johanna!

They way I've dreamed you were!

Oh look, Johanna!

A star!

Customer: Oh goodie! Where is i-

Sweeney (slits customer's throat): A shooting star!

Beggar Woman: BABY LET ME BE!

YOUR LOVIN' TEDDY BEAR!

PUT A CHAIN AROUND MY NECK!

AND LEAD ME ANYWERE!

OH LET ME BEEEEEEE!

YOUR TEDDY BEAR!

(weatherman voice) Again, there's an 80% chance of the City being on Fire with just a chance of Mischief.

Sweeney (in his parlor): And though I'll think of you I guess,

Until the day I die,

I think I miss you less and less,

As everyday goes by!

Customer: You've never seen me before in your life. Besides I'm with you right now, and it's kind of weird to think that your barber has been thinking of you before you mee-

Sweeney (slits customer's throat): Johanna!

Anthony (in the background): Johanna!

Sweeney (shaving his customer with trembling hands, using all of his willpower to not stab him.): And you'd be beautiful and pale

And look too much like her,

If only angels could prevail!

We'd be the way we were!

Customer: I'm glad you think I look like an angel, but I'm not so sure who you think I look like. But thanks for the shave man! (hands him the amount in bags of pennies)

Sweeney: Johanna!

(counts the pennies)

You forgot the tip.

Customer: Oh yeah, here (hands him another penny.) Bye!

Sweeney: (evil glare)

Anthony (in the background): Say it loud and there's music playing! Say it soft and it's almost like praying!

Sweeney (circling his customer): Wake up, Johanna!

Another bright red day!

We learn Johanna!

To sayyyy!

Customer: My name's not Johanna. What do we learn to say? I'd like to lear-

Sweeney (slashes customer's throat): GOODBYEEEEE!

Anthony (in the background, prancing up to the asylum): JOHANNA! I'LL NEVER STOP SAYING JOHANNA! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUND I'VE EVER HEARD! JOHANNA!

Johanna (from the above barred windows): SHUT UP YOU BAFOON! I'D WISH YOU'D STOP SINGING MY NAME AROUND TOWN!

Anthony: Sorry :) BUT DON'T WORRY MY LOVE! MY HOMICIDAL BARBER FRIEND WILL HELP ME GET YOU OUT!

Johanna: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!

(Anthony prances down the street towards the barber shop.)

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><p><strong>Well, that's chapter 10, haha. Poor Sweeney got a small tip. Hope you guys liked it! R&amp;R please. :3<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Here's chapter 11. Hope you guys like it! I know my last chapter wasn't so good. -_- sorry about that. I had writers block. Anyway, read away!**

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><p>(There is a close up of a sign that says "GRAND OPENING! NEW BETTY CROCKER RECIPE!" Customers are walking towards the crowded pie shop with anticipation. Toby is standing at the front door singing.)<p>

Toby: Ladies and gentlemen

May I have your attention per-leaaasssseeeee!

Are your nostril a quiver and tingling as well,

At that delicate luscious ambrosial smell.

Yes they are I can tell.

Well la-

Mrs. Lovett: TOBY!

Toby: What?

Mrs. Lovett: STOP SINGING AND SEE TO THE CUSTOMERS!

Customers: More hot! More hot pies!

(Tim Burton walks onto set.)

Tim Burton: Wait! Wait! Wait! CUT! (turns to the customers) What did I say about the group numbers? (all of the customers hang their heads in depression.) That's what I thought. Continue!

(Toby and Mrs. Lovett run around the outside of the pie shop serving pies.)

Mrs. Lovett (singing): Nice to see dearie!

How have you been feeling?

Core, me bones is weary,

Toby!

One for the gentleman

Hear the birdie's cheeping?

Helps to keep it cheer-

Random Kid: Excuse me miss. Today's my Birthday!

Mrs. Lovett: Aw, well, happy birthday. (singing) Toby! SING TO THIS LITTLE KID!

(Toby comes over to the little boys table and places a meat pie with a lit candle in front of him.)

Toby (sings to the tune of happy birthday):

Happy Birthday to you

Fleet Street birthdays are cool

When you have cannibals in your family

Happy Birthday to you.

Little Boy: Cannibals?

Toby: YOU AND I KNOW NOTHING OF THE SORT!

(Toby then runs off and serves more people pies)

Mrs. Lovett (sings): What's my secret

Frankly dear, it'd ruin your appetite

Family secret

That's the alibi

Things like being careful with the coriander,

That's what makes human meat grander!

Customers: O_O what?

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, nothing. BETTY CROCKER FOR THE WIN!

Customers: That's what we thought you meant.

Mrs. Lovett: Yah, and you better believe it.

Toby and Mrs. Lovett (singing):

Eat them slow and feel the flesh

How fresh it tastes and

Eat them slow 'cause

Everyone's a prize.

Eat them slow cause that's the lot

We've got no more bodies

Come again tomorrow,

Mrs. Lovett: HOLD UP JUST A SECOND FELLAS!

(Someone walks up to Sweeney's parlor.)

Mrs. Lovett: Bless my eyes.

MORE MEAT PIES! :D

Everyone else: O_O right…

Mrs. Lovett: O_O anyway… (sings again.)

Forget about it dearie.

(Random person stands up and yells for her to come to him.)

Mrs. Lovett (sings): Be there in a twinkling (she snaps her fingers and appears in front of the man. He jumps back in surprise and holds his hand to his heart.)

Random person (sings to the tune.): I have found a finger!

What kind of establishment is this?

Mrs. Lovett: The kind that you hate dear!

But you can't resist coming!

TOBY!

BRING HIM A BRAND NEW PIE!

(turns to customer and says,)

Sorry about that, I'm so clumsy sometimes. (Holds up her hand but bends her pointer finger to make it look like she lost it.) The servant boy will bring you a new pie. Just wait right here.

(The customer smiles as if nothing ever happened. He was just glad he was getting a new pie for free, Toby finally brought him a new pie, sang him the birthday song and left.)

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><p><strong>Hope you guys liked my version of God that's Good. X3 R&amp;R PLEASE! IT WILL GET TOBY TO STOP SINGING THE BIRTHDAY SONG!<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello my followers, and welcome to chapter 12. BY THE SEA! Sorry if the last part disgusts you a bit. :P writers block, he just should be disgusted to kiss her lol. Anyway, thank you to all my reviewers! :D and silent readers. I know your there. I take anonymous reviews haha. Anyway... enjoy. :)**

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><p>(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are sitting on a picnic blanket with Toby rolling around and singing in the background.)<p>

Toby (singing): THE HILLS ARE ALIVE! WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUSSSSIIIIICCCCC!

(Anyway… Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett are sitting on the blanket and Mrs. Lovett is doing a lot of talking.)

Mrs. Lovett: So, Mrs. Mooney's best friend, Alisha, had the nerve to come to MY shop, and tell me off in front of MY customers. Can you believe that! The very nerve of that woman!

Sweeney: Yah, yah, yah. Whatever. Why did you bring us here? (cartoon birds from Disney movies like Snow White and Sleeping Beauty come flying in and land on Sweeney. He takes out his razor and tries to kill the menacing birds but they're to fast for him.) Damn birds.

Mrs. Lovett: I thought you could use some fresh air. It's weird though, there seems to be color here.

Sweeney: IT'S UNHOLY! D:

Mrs. Lovett: Now, Mr. T. Don't act like that. It's pretty. (sings. Like that girl from Enchanted.) Ahhh, ahhhh, ahhhhh!

Happy cartoon animals: Ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhhhh!

(Sweeney looks around cautiously.)

Sweeney: Okay, now that was just weird.

(Mrs. Lovett turns towards him.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Mr. Todd (kiss) I'm so happy (kiss) I could (kiss) eat the birds I really could (the birds fly away. Sweeney sighs a sigh of relief) You know what I'd like to do Mr. Todd? (kiss) What I dream (kiss) if the business doesn't fail. Where I'd really like to go, in a year or so. Don't you want to know?

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: Do you really want to know?

Sweeney: I said no. Shut the hell up.

(Mrs. Lovett looks over in the sky as they begin to enter the mind of Nellie Lovett.)

Sweeney: Holy crap. Don't send us into one of your crazy, obsessive, cannibal enforcing, baker fantasies.

Mrs. Lovett: It's a bit to late for that dear.

(Pop! They're at the beach. Mrs. Lovett is wearing something that looks like a sailors bathing suit and dark John Lennon glasses. Sweeney's wearing a black and white striped body swimsuit. Ironic, isn't it.)

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett! What the hell is this! When did I change?

Mrs. Lovett (with a content smile): Don't worry about that, dear.

Sweeney: O_O

Mrs. Lovett (singing): By the sea, Mr. Todd,

I really wanna go there.

By the sea, Mr. Todd,

You probably don't really care.

But I'll say

Anyway

That I want to go see

Every small little grain of sand there

BY THE SEEEAAAAA!

Wouldn't that be smashing?

Sweeney: Smashing? Who says that anymore?

(POP! They are no sitting on the front porch of a small seaside cottage. Mrs. Lovett is wearing a vibrant dress that has way too much pink on it, and Sweeney is wearing what he usually wears.)

Sweeney: What the hell? Oh, thank god this is normal.

Mrs. Lovett: Think how warm it'll be underneath our flannel.

Sweeney: I'm not sharing a bed with you.

Mrs. Lovett: When it's just you and me and the English Channel.

Sweeney: No.

Mrs. Lovett: What?

Sweeney: I'm not going to live alone with you down here wearing these atrocious pieces of clothing. What does this have to do with the plot anyway?

Mrs. Lovett: …

Sweeney: Exactly. I'm leaving.

(He gets up to go.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh, no your not.

(Mrs. Lovett pops them into a church. She is wearing a wedding dress and Sweeney's wearing a very sexy tux.)

Sweeney: What? (looks around at Mrs. Lovett and himself.) No, no, no, no ,no! I'm not marrying you.

Mrs. Lovett: I FEEL SO UNLOVED AND UNCARED FOR DX

Sweeney: Glad you feel that way. Now, get us out of here.

Mrs. Lovett: I don't think so, this is my fantasy. At least there aren't any rabid unicorns wanting to impale us.

Sweeney (nervously laughing and scratching the back of his neck.): Oh yah, sorry about that.

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever. (turns to the priest.) Priest, do your stuff.

Priest: Alright. Nellie, do you take Benjamin Barke-

Sweeney: SWEENEY TODD!

Priest (baffled and surprised as Sweeney holds a razor to his neck.): I mean Sweeney Todd.

Sweeney: That's what I thought you said.

Priest: To be your lawfully wedded husband.

Mrs. Lovett: Hells yah! :D

Sweeney: O_O crap.

Priest: Alright then, Sweeney to you take Nellie Lovett to be your lawfully wedded wife.

Sweeney: Go die in a hole.

Priest: I'll take that as a yes. You may now kiss the bride.

Sweeney: Hells no! D:

Mrs. Lovett: Come on, give me a kiss.

(Some magical force pulls Sweeney forward.)

Sweeney: What? No. NO! (the very idea makes him throw up, it all lands on Mrs. Lovett.)

(She is now drenched in Sweeney's barf.)

Mrs. Lovett: EWWWWWW!

(She pops them back to the park. Toby is sitting on the blanket. He spazzes as they suddenly appear next to him.)

Toby: Where the hell were you guys?

Mrs. Lovett (still covered in barf): I don't want to talk about it.

(Meanwhile Sweeney is hysterically laughing as the cartoon birds return and bite off at Mrs. Lovett's hair.)

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><p><strong>Okay... X) kinda weird but you know, it's a parody. Doesn't have to make much sense. Please R&amp;R! It'll restrain the annoying cartoon birds.<strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey, sorry it took awhile. School started last week and I'm trying to get everything organized ^_^' I finally got this chapter finished, although it's not that long. :P sorry again. Anyway, hope you guys like chapter 13! :D can't believe it got this long, haha. Enjoy.**

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><p>(Sweeney is brooding in his parlor when Mrs. Lovett barges in.)<p>

Mrs. Lovett: HELL-OOOO MR. T!

Sweeney: What is it woman? I'm trying to brood.

Mrs. Lovett: I don't mean to interrupt your vigorous activities but I brought you some tea.

Sweeney: Decaf or regular?

Mrs. Lovett: Decaf. We don't need a homicidal barber on caffeine.

(Sweeney then chucks one of his razors at Mrs. Lovett, just grazing her left ear.)

Mrs. Lovett: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL MAN?

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: YOU COULD'VE FREAKIN' TAKEN MY HEAD OFF!

Sweeney: You're point?

Mrs. Lovett: Why won't you love me? :(

Sweeney: Because I love Lucy.

Mrs. Lovett: Do you even remember what your Lucy looked like?

Sweeney: …

Mrs. Lovett: Exactly.

Sweeney: She had yellow hair.

Mrs. Lovett: Well that narrows it down. Don't you mean blonde anyway?

Sweeney: Blonde?

Mrs. Lovett: (face palm) Never mind.

(Anthony bursts in.)

Anthony: MR. TODD!

Sweeney: You know Anthony, there's this great new invention. It's called knocking. You should try it sometime.

Anthony: Sorry about that. I have news though. You know that totally amazing girl I told you about?

Mrs. Lovett: Johanna?

Anthony: Yes. That's the one. Judge Turpin locked her up in a mad house for choosing me as a boyfriend over him.

Sweeney: I'VE GOT HIM! :D

Anthony: What?

Sweeney: Erm. I mean, you've got her.

Anthony: That's what I thought you meant.

Sweeney: Alright, so here's the plan. You're going to go to Party City and buy a wig or some hair dye. They won't even recognize you. Works every time.

Mrs. Lovett: Not on everyone Mr. T.

Sweeney: Yah, yah, yah. Whatever. When you steal the girl, bring her here so I can tell her I'm here father.

Anthony: You're her what?

Sweeney: I didn't say father, I said… water?

Anthony: You know, Mr. T. That doesn't make sense. Although I am a bit parched.

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett! Fetch the man some tea!

Mrs. Lovett: He's got two fully functional arms and two fully functional legs. He can get up and get his own freaking tea.

Anthony: Fine. Be that way.

Sweeney: Alright, now that we're done here, Anthony, go to the Party store. Now.

Anthony: Kk! G-BYE!

(He prances out of the door.)

Sweeney (to Mrs. Lovett): Fetch the boy.

Mrs. Lovett: Alrighty!

(She also prances out the door and gets Toby)

Mrs. Lovett: TOBY!

Toby: COMING!

Mrs. Lovett: Mr. Todd needs you!

Toby: OKAY!

(Toby goes upstairs to the parlor.)

Toby: You wanted to see me Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: Uh, yah. You need to take this to the old bailey. You seem like you've been arrested before. You've ever been there?

Toby: Sure, plenty of times.

Sweeney: Good take this letter there. Seek out the old crazy bastard, Judge Turpin. Repeat that.

Toby: Old Bailey. Seek out old crazy bastard.

Sweeney: Correct. Now run off!

(Toby runs off as Sweeney stands back up and starts pacing around again, staring out the window. Soon enough it is night.)

Sweeney: Wow, that was kind of fast for a transition in time. Felt like a second or two. I guess time flies when you're brooding and plotting a very violent revenge on the person who wronged you.

(Sweeney shrugs and walks over to pick up a bucket of water balloons, and walks back over to the already shattered window. He then passes his time by dropping them on unsuspecting people, and giggling like a school girl.)

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><p><strong>So, how did you guys like it? I couldn't really think of an ending so I kind of made a little sneak peek for a little One-Shot I might try. April Fools Day? Wonder how Sweeney will take it ;) Anyway, please R&amp;R! :D Thanks<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey everyone, here is chapter 14. I can't believe it got this far. haha. :) Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Sorry if this makes a bit too much sense. Haha. **

**I guess I should also put in a disclaimer considering I haven't been doing that. Haha. I don't own any of this stuff :) Now enjoy.**

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><p>(Mrs. Lovett is lying down in her chair reading a teenage vampire novel. All of a sudden Toby runs in…)<p>

Toby: MUM! MUM! MUM!

Mrs. Lovett: Shut the hell up, Toby, what do you want?

Toby: Don't you want to know where I've been?

Mrs. Lovett: Not really.

Toby: Well, I was running an errand for Mr. Todd.

Mrs. Lovett: I don't give a damn.

Toby: Well, there should be something you should know about Mr. Todd, Mum.

Mrs. Lovett: I know just about everything about Mr. Todd! Are you suggesting I'm not a proper stalking fan girl? D: and stop calling me Mum. I'm not your Mum.

Toby: Well do you know that he's Johnny Depp in disguise?

Mrs. Lovett: Is human the secret ingredient in my pies?

Toby: What?

Mrs. Lovett: NOTHING! O_O

Toby: Alright then… e_e

Mrs. Lovett: You can hold nothing against me.

Toby: Anyway, Mr. Todd kills people.

Mrs. Lovett: So?

Toby: Sooooo… That's not a good thing.

Mrs. Lovett: Is this going to get to a point anytime soon?

Toby: The point is that nothing's gonna harm you. Not while I'm around.

Mrs. Lovett: Aww. That's so sweet.

Toby: I FEEL SO ACCEPTED!

Mrs. Lovett: And you know what Toby. Things are gonna hurt you. As long as I'm around :D

Toby: :( WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?

Mrs. Lovett: Because you're an annoying street rat that gives me free labor. Not my son. Now let me get back to my vampire novel.

Book: _Edward's bare chest glistened in the daytime, making him look like a gay disco ball._

Mrs. Lovett: Oh Edward. You remind me so much of my dear Sweeney. Except he doesn't sparkle and he's not gay. At least I don't think he is.

Toby: Hey, Mum. Wanna know something?

Mrs. Lovett: Not really.

Toby: Edward gets Bella pregnant and Jacob starts being all pedo to their daughter!

Mrs. Lovett: LE GASP! D: YOU SPOILED IT!

Toby: MWAHAHAHA :D

(Mrs. Lovett slams her book down on the floor.)

Mrs. Lovett: BASTARD!

Toby: BITCH!

Mrs. Lovett: Oh. IT IS SO GO TIME!

Toby: crap.

(Mrs. Lovett picks Toby up by his throat and carries him to the bakehouse. She chucks him inside, sending him sprawled across the floor.)

Mrs. Lovett: While I have you down here, I might as well show you how to make pies. When you begin to cook the pies, you stuff into the oven and close the door. I don't care if you do it properly, I could care less if you burn. You also plop in the huma- I MEAN MYSTERY MEAT into the grinder. Make sure you get all of the muscles and flesh to become nice and mushy.

Toby: Whut?

Mrs. Lovett: Just get to work! I'm going to go check on something and not lock you in. By the way, there are sewers here in case that is going to be really useful anytime soon.

Toby: :( okay. Do you mind if I have some pies while I work?

Mrs. Lovett: Whatever.

(Mrs. Lovett walks outside of the bakehouse and locks several locks and sets a bunch alarms)

Mrs. Lovett: That should keep the rotten brat in. Now, back to my book.

(She then walks back upstairs to her vampire novel.)

Book: _"Oh Edward," Bella said in a monotonic voice. "I just love how your chest sparkles like diamonds against the sun."_

Mrs. Lovett: *sigh* Stephanie Meyer, how do you do it?

(She then falls asleep imagining what a bare chested sparkling Sweeney would look like.)

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><p><strong>I'm sorry that I had to put that image into your minds. Haha. I couldn't help it. Anyway, please review! They are my oxygen. They help me breath and shizz. Anyway...<strong>

**Does anyone have any plans on what they're going to be for Halloween? I'm going to be Mrs. Lovett :) I've got the costume and everything. What do you guys plan to be?**


	15. Chapter 15

I am soooo sorry for not updating for like six months. I am so busy. I don't have any time to really write or work on my stories. I am also sorry for this really bad chapter. Anyway, sorry.

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><p>(Anthony walks up to the asylum wearing a store bought pizza hut delivery guy outfit. He knocks on the door.)<p>

Anthony: PIZZA DELIVERY!

(Mr. Fogg comes to the door and opens it.)

Mr. Fogg: Ah, that was fast, although I don't remember ordering a pizza. Oh well. Come in, come in.

(Anthony walks into the asylum and follows Mr. Fogg down a long hallway.)

Mr. Fogg: You see here, I don't have any money, so I'm going to give you a woman instead. Take your pick.

Anthony: You wouldn't happen to have one with yellow hair, would you?

Mr. Fogg: Ah, I do actually. Here.

(Mr. Fogg opens up the door to a room filled with blonde haired women.)

Mr. Fogg: Take your pick.

Anthony: I choose her (points to Johanna.)

Mr. Fogg: Oh, the poor dear. She always thought that she was a disney channel star.

Johanna: I told you! I AM Johanna Montanna!

Anthony: Don't you worry, I'll take great care of her. Oh, and by the way. (He rips off his pizza hut disguise) I don't really work for pizza hut.

Mr. Fogg: LE GASP! YOU DON'T MEAN?

Anthony: Yes (Proceeds to put on his other uniform with an evil laugh.) I work for Papa Johns.

Mr. Fogg: NOOOOOO! THIS CANNOT BE!

Anthony: Oh yes, despicable isn't it? Anyway, thanks for the girl. Bai!

(Anthony then runs off leaving a disgusted Fogg behind.)

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><p>I am also really sorry that it's so short. Anyway, please R&amp;R if you can!<p> 


End file.
